Got to know a bunch of people today, and just by working closely and listening to their conversations for 4 hours have left imprints in my mind. & I think, forever they will stay.

You know that feeling you get when you get to know someone from a foreign place, and when you part, you feel that hollowness in your stomach because they will stay forever in your mind but at the same time you will never get to see them ever again?

That’s what’s flashing in my mind these days.

Withdrawal symptoms.

The day will come, when you realise this is the last time you will ever get to see them again. When 5 years down the road you will smile when you hear their name being slipped into a casual conversation, but at the same time you want to cry because all those memories flash back in a split second, and you haven’t seen them since the last time you said goodbye.

At some point, the day will come when “I’ll see you next Sunday” gets no reply in return because you will be too scared to break the fact to them that you’re leaving for good – and you don’t know when’s the next time you’ll come back.

I fear.

To be completely honest and raw, I am terrified.

I am terrified of the fact that my heart would be torn into two, longing for the people at home when I’m in this foreign place, but missing the people here when I’m finally at home.

Because the people here have shown so much love that it’s hard to actually tell myself that home will always be the best.

Yes, there’s no place like home, like the comfort of your bed and familiarity of the warm fuzzy feeling of your kitchen, the smell of the sofas in the living room, your dad’s coffee brewing in early mornings, the perfectly lined novels on the shelves in your room, the ones you so carefully arranged according to colour.

But how do I take home all the love and hugs shown in college & in church, the birthday surprises to friends; from friends, how do I take home the new-found familiarity in this place that I used to be so repulsive towards. How do I take home the laughter which comes after my lame jokes are told; how do I take home the sound of my church here worshipping; how do I take home the thrill of doing production but having the real urge to pee at the same time; how do I take home the little little things which have made my experience here a lot more meaningful?

Yes I can do (most of) these things back home as well – but it’s never going to be the same.

Home is hardly fully home; a part of this city has already become home.

It’s complicated, it’s hard to comprehend.

But what can I say? Because still I am extremely grateful and in awe of how far God has brought me and how He has taken care of every single detail in my journey here; how He has planned it down to the most minute things I could ever imagine.

As the cliche quote goes; God puts people in your life for a reason. And I think I can see all the little little reasons why. Because this journey away from home wouldn’t be the same without every single one of them.

It wouldn’t be as meaningful, nor as memorable.

Yes it is hard and I may not always understand why withdrawal symptoms have to exist, but then again when will the day come whereby I will be able to comprehend His ways?

He is sovereign. & a mental reminder to myself: trust the driver.

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