Bearing the risk of having everything crashing on top of me anytime soon, I decide to write.
Wow. Talk about priorities.
By saying “everything crashing on top of me”, everything means – well, everything – including miscellaneous daily chores like laundry and worried that you can’t finish your yoghurt in time before it goes bad and trying to plan out what to cook for the next two days so that your groceries are still fresh and they don’t go to waste.
As if studies, weekly tests (that contribute to your cGPA) and commitment to extra-curricular activities weren’t enough, all these things add on to the weight that is already on top of your head and they wobble… wobble… (please don’t crash)
Talk about studying away from home and independence.
So being the typical me, after being drained after a long day and finding myself failing at simple tasks (and spending 5 mins lecturing myself after each mistake) I close my books, my planner which is full of un-ticked boxes indicating the tasks yet to be done, I turn on gospel music.
I start to ask questions.
“God are You sure? Is this really the way?”
“Like, I know You know best and Your ways are higher than mine, but really? I don’t see the message behind this. I know You’re trying to tell me something. But what? What do You want to say? I don’t get this, I don’t get that. Why those? What purpose does it serve?”
In the midst of my questioning, the song Oceans comes on spotify.
And I continue to question. Until about 5 seconds before the bridge, I suddenly fall silent. I don’t know why. I just d0.
“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders…”
And then it hit me. So many times I have been singing this song, without actually realising what it means. When I sang that line ever so conveniently in church following the lyrics on the screen, did I actually mean it?
Do I actually mean it when I say I want Him to break me out of my comfort zone, and lead me where my trust is without borders?
Do I sing the lyrics, yet secretly wish that He stretches my faith in a more “gentle and nice way” that I wouldn’t have to suffer? That I wouldn’t actually have to walk out of my borders?
“…wherever You would call me”
Really, Jovita. Really? Really? WHEREVER?
Literally, to the furthest ends of the earth? Do you mean it?
Figuratively, to humble you to the depths of your soul and stretch your faith through tons and tons of trials and tribulations? Do you mean it?
Will I actually appreciate it and let Him take full control if problems happen to be thrown right at my face?
Have I gotten too ahead of myself?
Have I been so self-righteous that I assume that I can trust God no matter what happens?
Have I, unknowingly, been assuming that this journey would actually be easy?
Two lines of a song. With such conviction.
But that’s the way God does things isn’t it? He provides lessons and helps you grow in the weirdest and most unexpected ways possible. He humbles you ever so honestly, because when you feel that you’ve actually gotten it, He says, child, there’s more to learn. And then He drops another bomb.
Yet at the end of the day He picks up my broken pieces and my ruins and He turns my mess into my message, my test into my testimony.
And it would be foolish if, after having experienced His goodness, claim that I know better.
At the end of the day He is sovereign.
Disclaimer: it is 1.41 am so forgive me if there are errors in this post. I just felt that my thoughts had to be released somewhere.